Even a Fool

It's that moment.  That second that it hits you.  That feeling of wanting to melt into the ground and never be seen again.

The time you said something you shouldn't have said.

Not that I've ever done that before.

It happens to me on a fairly (ok, fine. VERY) regular basis.  Something that is supposed to be witty or insightful turns into a verbal train wreck.  Too often I find myself sympathizing with a song that's been running through my head:

My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again...

And I could see that she was offended.  She said, "Well, anyway..."

Just dying for a subject change.

Thank you, Mr. Mayer, for putting into words what I feel on a daily basis.  It's frustrating to say the least.

I've been hearing a lot about talking lately.  At youth group last week, we discussed the power of words.  One of the verses we read was Proverbs 18:21:

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

How true!  Even the smallest statement can make or break a conversation, a situation, or a life.  Problems occur when I don't take the time to consider each and every syllable that leaves my lips.  Words have the power to tear someone down or build them up.  Oh, that I would understand the weight of my words. :)

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

"Even a fool is thought wise..." This is a big statement when taken in context with the whole book of Proverbs.  Proverbs talks a lot about fools - and not in a nice way.  Fools are, essentially, some of the worst people on the planet, as well as the most dangerous.  Their stupidity, laziness, and thoughtlessness is criticized over and over again in Proverbs.

"Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent..."  It's an extraordinary phrase.  Even the people that Proverbs points out as complete idiots are thought to be wise if they hold their tongues.  Obviously, holding my tongue is a big deal.  

I think one of the main forces behind my problem with words is the desire to please others.  Once again, Mr. Mayer says it quite eloquently:

So maybe I try too hard.  But it's all because of this desire.  I just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny.  Looks like the joke's on me.  So call me Captain Backfire.

I'm human.  I want people to like me.  I want them to think I'm funny and smart.  The problem is that this  desire, my want to please humankind, too often comes before my desire to please God.  I'm so scared of what other people will think of me.  I "try too hard" to say things that will make others like me.  

The funny thing about being scared of people is that, ultimately, their opinions don't matter.  When I stand before the judgement seat of Christ, his opinion and only his opinion will matter.  Whether or not my name is written in the Book of Life is what truly counts.  He's not going to ask, "So, did everyone down there like you or not?  Were you well-loved, popular, and an all-around good kid?"  No.  My prayer is that my Savior will look me in the eyes and say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."  

I'm sitting here on my couch, thinking back to all of the dumb things I've said lately.  I'm extremely comforted and encouraged by the fact that my mistakes are covered by the blood of Christ.  But at the same time, I realize that learning to control my tongue is a part of sanctification.  It's a part of learning to become more and more like Jesus everyday.  It's not a struggle that will be gone tomorrow, but thankfully I have Someone who's walking (and talking) me through every step. In the end, I want to be a faithful ambassador for him - someone who shines the righteousness of Christ with her every breath.  And tonight, I'm taking time to realize that this is just part of the journey.  Holding my tongue is one way to glorify the One who gave his life for me.  

And like Mr. Mayer says, I'm starting now. 

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An Ever - Present Help

Last night I stayed up late just worrying.  And praying.  And stressing.  And tossing.  And turning.  I started thinking about how I am possibly going to get everything done that needs to get done in the next two months.  Just when I thought my life couldn't get busier or crazier, things started piling on again.  Don't get me wrong, it's not necessarily bad stuff it's just...stuff.  And a lot of it.  


This morning I read in 1 Samuel about David after all of his family was kidnapped and all of his possessions taken away.  

"David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters.  But David found strength in the Lord his God."

So perfect.  In the middle of complete chaos, David trusted in the Lord.  He found his strength in his God.

Then I read in Psalm 46 which was perfect as well.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts."

"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.  The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

He is my ever-present help.  He is with me constantly.  He voice alone melts the earth.  He is my fortress.  Everything is in his control.  

Yesterday I had this song stuck in my head:

I was playing it over and over and over again in my brain and trying to get it to go away.  I hate when songs get stuck in my head. :) And then I actually thought about what it was saying...

"In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed."

Conviction.  Talk about conviction.  I get so stuck in my little messes - homework, piano practice, trips, etc.  I forget how much I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond comparison and that thought helps me keep my chin up and feet on the ground.  I think that I'll let that song stick in my head today - I need that reminder constantly. :)

If You Want Me To

Breathe.  In.  Out.

Ok, I'm good now.  This week's been rough and today has been even rougher.  Coming back from break is always a smack in the face and this was no exception.  Tests (ACT and chem :P), music (faulty piano performance), and squabbles (drama, anyone?) have been filtering through these past 6 days and it hasn't been pretty.  Maybe it's all due to the fact that it's the end of the semester.  Or maybe there's a reason.  A plan.  A bigger picture.

I was driving to my grandparent's house this evening when this song came on:

I've always liked this song.  The theme behind it is beautiful.  But today I was really getting into it and ended up playing it over and over - mainly so I could sing along.

After about the second or third time through, I sang the line:

"So if all of these trials bring me closer to you, then I will walk through the fire if you want me to."

It clicked.  It honestly made sense.  I felt peace.

I've been trying to justify every hard thing in my life.  "This is a result of your bad choice.  Suck it up and move on."  "The world is just unfair.  There's nothing you can do about it."  

But what if there's a reason for all of this?  What if it's all happening because I am loved - not just because I am a sinner or because the world is hurtful?  Maybe God loves me.  Maybe he wants me close to him - closer than I am now.  Maybe he'll do whatever he can to get my attention and grab a hold of my heart.

Maybe, just maybe, all of these trials are here to bring me to the cross.  

Definitely.  

I will walk through the fire.  I must.  It refines me.  It teaches me.  And most importantly it brings me into the arms of my precious Savior.  

I started writing a song this week.  The chorus goes:

"I'll trust and hope and give my all for the things that I can't see.

I'll stand my ground in your steadfast love when this world overwhelms me.

And I'll give my life for the promise of true gain.

So Father, bring the rain."

And that is the cry of my heart tonight.  Even if it hurts.  If I get burned.  If I get lost in the valley.  If I get drenched in the rain.  It will come.  It must come.  Because I must be close to Jesus.  Nothing else matters.  Bring the rain, Jesus.  Draw me to yourself.

Faithful Thus Far

Today I read in 1 Samuel about David.  Just a simple shepherd boy who knew there was something bigger than himself.  Just a little brother who was braver than his big brothers.  Just a child of God who's Father had great plans in store for him.

As David was getting ready to fight Goliath, he told Saul:

"The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine..."

David understood something that made him brave:  The God who had acted in the past would act again.  God had fought for David in the little battles with the lion and the bear and he would fight for him in the big battles with Goliath as well.  We can trust that no matter what happens, he is on our side and he knows what he's doing.  He who was faithful before will be faithful again. 

This means that I can have faith that He will come through for me.  Looking back at my life thus far, I can see the many, many ways that God has acted in my life, through the good and the bad.  I can let go of my life and let him take control with full confidence that he will take care of me.

I love the lyrics to this song:

"God you know where I've been. You were there with me then. You were faithful before. You'll be faithful again.  I'm holding your hand."

Let the waters rise.  I will follow You no matter what. 

I Will Rise

Easter.  It's been a while.  Last year at this time, I was living in Georgia.  I had left Fiji just a few months prior.  Thoughts of whether to move home or go back were surfacing...causing pain and doubt...and making me wonder where on earth I was heading.  How was God working here?  What was the plan?  I wanted a map with my destination circled in bright red marker.  


Today I'm in the same place.   True, my life isn't quite as in-the-air as it was back then.  I'm back in Colorado.  I have a house.  I'm back at my church.  Everything worked out for good.  


But at the same time, things hang in the balance.  From a decision about college to a decision about what to make for lunch, there's so many questions flying at me at once.  It's hard.  It's stressful.  It's beautiful.


It's beautiful.


He makes it beautiful.  My life isn't a random chain of events that tumbles into a story of sorts.  He is weaving a tapestry.  Every thread, every question, every bend in the road is another piece to the puzzle.  


It's beautiful.


More than 2,000 years ago, a man had a picture in his mind.  This man was Jesus.  The picture was of me.  As he hung on a cross shuddering from pain, barely rasping out a breath, he had me on his mind.  I wasn't just an afterthought.  I was the goal.  He was doing this for me. 


It was beautiful.  


Grace entered the world when he conquered death.  It is finished.  I am justified.  I am His.  


How does this apply to the present?  It means that I can trust Jesus.  He is completely worthy of my trust in every area.  College, music, youth group, family, school - it's all in the very palm of his hand.  The hand that took a nail for me. 


It means that he is worthy of sacrifice.  He is worth choosing over anything else.  I am his slave and must give my all for the one who gave everything for me.


It means that I can face tomorrow with my chin up.  This morning at church, the choir sang "Because He Lives" and it speaks perfectly to my life right now: 

"Because he lives I can face tomorrow.

Because he lives all fear is gone,

Because I know he holds the future

And life is worth the living just because he lives."

Life is worth the living...every step, every breath, every moment is worth it for him.  He chose to save me and in doing so, gave my life worth and value.  I can trust him with the future.  My every minute is in his hands.  Through hurt and doubt, he is with me.  Through joy and peace, he is with me.  He is the hope I must cling to.

And in the end, I will go to be with him.  I will see him face to face.  The promise of Easter - life after death - will become a reality.  Oh praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

I will rise.  Praise you, Jesus.  I will rise. 

You Alone

As I said in my "About Me" tab, I love music.  Lots.  And I like to write my own music.  When I get the chance.  And record it.  This is the result of such circumstances...

The song is called "You Alone" and I wrote it a few weeks back.  It was a Sunday and I had just gotten home from church.  My pastor had talked that morning about worldliness and how it can creep up on you if you're not careful.  When we choose to become friends with the world, we become enemies of Christ.  It sounds harsh but its true.  God cannot look upon evil, so if we are his children we must be completely consumed by him.  Any worldliness that we allow to seep into our lives can and will tear down any spiritual fortresses that we have.  So I wrote this song because I realized that I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to let little things into my life that will take me down eventually.  I must realize that Jesus is enough.  And not only that, he is MORE than enough.  He can and will satisfy every need if we turn to him and not to the world to fulfill our desires.  As I think about that fact that he has truly lifted me from dust and ashes, I can't help but say yes to him and his salvation.  When I know his heart and he knows mine, there is no room for anything else.  Thank you, Jesus.  You truly are enough for me. 

Daydreamin'

It's Monday again.  Funny how that day seems to roll around faster than you can scream "weekend!!!".  I'm having second semester blues.  Aka, I am SOOOOO ready for school to be over and summer to arrive. 

I'm looking forward to...

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Summer bike rides. There's nothing quite like cruising along the trails while the sun sets. It's awesome and I miss it.  'Nough said.

I'm looking forward to...

Swimming...as long as it's not of the swim-team variety.  :)

I'm looking forward to...

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Summer picnics...eating outside...inhaling barbeque smoke....all that jazz. There's nothing quite like those random, spur-of-the-moment dinners with friends when you all sit out in the sunshine and chow down on summer-y food. Watermelon, anyone?

I'm looking forward to...

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More time to read my Bible...I treasure those moments on the weekends when I can sneak off to a coffee shop and enjoy my devo's without thinking about all the tasks for the day.  I can't wait for a little more time to head over to the park for some extended time with me, my Bible, my journal, and Jesus. :)

I'm looking forward to...

Hanging out with friends and family!!! :) Random coffee dates, walking around Old Town, drive-in movies and all that good stuff.  I miss it a lot and I'm looking forward to it...a lot.

So as I pound out these last weeks of school, I'm clinging to this verse:

"Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded.  For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." - Habakkuk 1:5

Even when I struggle with why I need to do that last Calc problem or finish well on that paper, I will trust that God's purpose is very much alive and at work in my life.  And even though it's not summer, I can rejoice that he works through the good times and bad. Here's to hoping that those good times come soon! :)